THIS! I read this entire essay feeling like you were narrating my story. Work is also where our special interests allow us to have control over the environment and have play. It’s through work I can be social and have fun. Without work, like at a work social event, I am lost without the work part. I don’t know how to human in those moments. Which then brings its own shame. Likewise I struggled to read early on and it was my passion or my special interest (The Greatest Superman Stories Ever Told) that helped me find my way in at my own speed. And like you have written, it was in college so could finally shine. Where special interests could become the start of work. And I could feel safe in my knowledge, my experience, my expertise and I could show the world I did have value.
Oh my goodness ... yes, this also, work and safe socializing! Work provides object-based conversation! So it provides a container from which socializing feels more structured. And like you socializing during work social events are not okay! It's also why I liked academia, it gave me structure for socializing and lots of object-based conversations.
When you mentioned Erikson on the latest podcast, I was champing at the bit to hear more, and your graphic is just whetting my apetite even further. The final column brings up so very much but right now I am just sat with a deep sadness that at '65-death' the end point is 'meaning-making'. For so many of us, for so long, it has been impossible to make meaning without this lens, and sadly it does come in our later years. but, at least it comes.
I am still at the front end of this very question - the bigger question of how was my childhood impacted by being ND both as an unknown, but also in light of the knowing that apparently my mother knew something because in the 5th grade I was tested by the counselor at my school and she found "learning disabilities" but when she brought this to my mother my mother responded with - no, nope, not going there keep her in regular classes. I visualize that moment as a bit of my mother covering her hears and saying lalalalala to drown out what the counselor was telling her.
I didn't learn ANY of this until my senior year when I bumped into the counselor and we were chatting about SATs... which I had just taken and bombed...
My mother just wanted the "highly intelligent" side of me because of course if I could understand that I surly was just not even trying to understand this other thing.
I'm not even sure how I survived reading out loud - perhaps in earlier grades I was sent off for reading help during "reading" so that spared me those moments...
I really resonated with your description of things like "rest" being acceptable only as a means to getting back to being productive. Rest for 30 minutes only if you can guarantee being productive after.
I just never really considered it before as a Shame Mode. I have been slowing coming to see that much of my existence seems to only function out of shaming myself into getting it down... The messages were clear - you need to get it (school, chores, etc) done and this is how to use shame to get it done on time and correctly.
Thank you for this Megan! I’m a week late and very keen to dig into trust vs mistrust essay that I can see you have just published - because I’m experiencing this in my long relationship very keenly and it was that headline that drew me immediately in. However, it’s my husband (neuro normal as far as we know) who has a huge problem with trust - and claims it as a core value. Digging into his childhood to unravel that is going to be interesting.
In the meantime though, your paragraph on inability to rest - and compensating for downtime by planning more later - struck at my heart. Thank you for helping me feel seen there. I’m so glad I follow you.
THIS! I read this entire essay feeling like you were narrating my story. Work is also where our special interests allow us to have control over the environment and have play. It’s through work I can be social and have fun. Without work, like at a work social event, I am lost without the work part. I don’t know how to human in those moments. Which then brings its own shame. Likewise I struggled to read early on and it was my passion or my special interest (The Greatest Superman Stories Ever Told) that helped me find my way in at my own speed. And like you have written, it was in college so could finally shine. Where special interests could become the start of work. And I could feel safe in my knowledge, my experience, my expertise and I could show the world I did have value.
Oh my goodness ... yes, this also, work and safe socializing! Work provides object-based conversation! So it provides a container from which socializing feels more structured. And like you socializing during work social events are not okay! It's also why I liked academia, it gave me structure for socializing and lots of object-based conversations.
When you mentioned Erikson on the latest podcast, I was champing at the bit to hear more, and your graphic is just whetting my apetite even further. The final column brings up so very much but right now I am just sat with a deep sadness that at '65-death' the end point is 'meaning-making'. For so many of us, for so long, it has been impossible to make meaning without this lens, and sadly it does come in our later years. but, at least it comes.
I am still at the front end of this very question - the bigger question of how was my childhood impacted by being ND both as an unknown, but also in light of the knowing that apparently my mother knew something because in the 5th grade I was tested by the counselor at my school and she found "learning disabilities" but when she brought this to my mother my mother responded with - no, nope, not going there keep her in regular classes. I visualize that moment as a bit of my mother covering her hears and saying lalalalala to drown out what the counselor was telling her.
I didn't learn ANY of this until my senior year when I bumped into the counselor and we were chatting about SATs... which I had just taken and bombed...
My mother just wanted the "highly intelligent" side of me because of course if I could understand that I surly was just not even trying to understand this other thing.
I'm not even sure how I survived reading out loud - perhaps in earlier grades I was sent off for reading help during "reading" so that spared me those moments...
I really resonated with your description of things like "rest" being acceptable only as a means to getting back to being productive. Rest for 30 minutes only if you can guarantee being productive after.
I just never really considered it before as a Shame Mode. I have been slowing coming to see that much of my existence seems to only function out of shaming myself into getting it down... The messages were clear - you need to get it (school, chores, etc) done and this is how to use shame to get it done on time and correctly.
Thank you for this Megan! I’m a week late and very keen to dig into trust vs mistrust essay that I can see you have just published - because I’m experiencing this in my long relationship very keenly and it was that headline that drew me immediately in. However, it’s my husband (neuro normal as far as we know) who has a huge problem with trust - and claims it as a core value. Digging into his childhood to unravel that is going to be interesting.
In the meantime though, your paragraph on inability to rest - and compensating for downtime by planning more later - struck at my heart. Thank you for helping me feel seen there. I’m so glad I follow you.