I appreciate you talking about the perception thing so so much. It's something I'm craving hearing more perspectives on--maybe because, pre-diagnosis, I spent three solid decades just assuming I had really bad "stage fright" that I needed to overcome.
In fact, I think it was on your podcast where I first even heard this acknowledged, and it stopped me in my tracks (in the best way possible). Sorting trauma response/fear from neurodivergent preference is such a doozy.
I’m an AuDHD author and for real—perceivedness is the hardest part of my job. (And how that affects relationships in publishing—which are often extractive and two-faced—with a dash of RSD thrown in for fun). I only discovered my autism in the last year and having this language has made so much sense of why the public-facing part of my job is so overstimulating for me. Just nodded my head so much to what you shared and offering one big sigh of thanks for saying it out loud.
I cried while watching the segment. So many things you've described lately are my experience too, but I just felt like I was defective, for years. I can’t really describe how helpful it is to finally have some understanding, and know i'm not alone. Thank you for putting it out there (even though it's really uncomfortable!). Can't wait to get the book.
This is something I wrestle with constantly. I also hate being "perceived" as you call it but feel it's a necessary evil and certainly something you don't get to choose when you write publicly. I've also written about a cringeworthy tv appearance... But I think the good media does outweighs our personal discomfort. At least that's what I tell myself!
Also glad to hear you raise the point about autistic and autism moms. I bristle over that divide because how many of us are just "autistic" moms waiting to be diagnosed? I know I was, for many years, and always, always had my child's best interest at heart even if I was sometimes misguided. I know it sounds idealistic, but I really wish the community as a whole could come together for the betterment of every autistic person.
I completely understand picking apart an interview, a presentation, etc - that's a space I live in with frequency. It's tough to plan things out precisely, execute, and then go back to the tape and identify all the things you wish you'd done a little differently. While acknowledging that experience - I can say that from the audience - that was a fantastic segment, and a really powerful conversation and message to get to share with a broad audience. I'm so happy to hear there was next-to-no friction in asking for and receiving accommodations.
'Being perceived' is such a minefield - I spent my formative years in theatre and performance because I was good at it and I kept getting encouraged to keep doing it - so I ended up with a lot of experience, some success, and a bunch of masking and dissociation in my toolkit. It's been a weird reckoning I've been doing in the last few years to figure out my relationship to a huge part of my life - for a while, a huge part of my identity - that I know I'm good at, parts of which I enjoyed, but which also feels foreign and somewhat incongruous with the self I'm currently realizing. It does, retroactively, make TONNES of sense that I could get up on a stage with lights in my face and Do The Thing, but would be absolutely mortified when asked to spontaneously sing/play in a small group of people.
One of the things that's on my mind a lot as I continue on my journey of discovery and diagnoses - as I'm finally deciphering the pages of my operating manual - I want to be gentle and give myself grace. I want to accommodate myself - but I don't want to just make excuses, nor do I want to stop challenging myself (I'm autistic, so I can't, end of story). Determining which discomforts are, ultimately, net harmful, versus uncomfortable experiences which constitute 'productive struggle' - that's the crux of the thing, hey?
I understand not wanting to be perceived, yet as you stated, it's in perceiving where people can see themselves. That goes along with what you said in the interview, that learning about the internal experiences of girls and women helped you. It made me emotional, as that was my experience last year. Many of us don't know what it looks like or means to be an autistic woman (or a person socialized as a woman). The more we hear from the experiences of others, the more we can find ourselves. Thank you for sharing. Aside from the personal connection, her questions were rapid-fire after your responses, and you didn't miss a beat. It was a great interview.
YES! I have always struggled with being perceived, especially where I felt a major lack of control over it. I'm still working out where it feels good for me to push through that discomfort and what is too much.
I appreciate you talking about the perception thing so so much. It's something I'm craving hearing more perspectives on--maybe because, pre-diagnosis, I spent three solid decades just assuming I had really bad "stage fright" that I needed to overcome.
In fact, I think it was on your podcast where I first even heard this acknowledged, and it stopped me in my tracks (in the best way possible). Sorting trauma response/fear from neurodivergent preference is such a doozy.
I’m an AuDHD author and for real—perceivedness is the hardest part of my job. (And how that affects relationships in publishing—which are often extractive and two-faced—with a dash of RSD thrown in for fun). I only discovered my autism in the last year and having this language has made so much sense of why the public-facing part of my job is so overstimulating for me. Just nodded my head so much to what you shared and offering one big sigh of thanks for saying it out loud.
I cried while watching the segment. So many things you've described lately are my experience too, but I just felt like I was defective, for years. I can’t really describe how helpful it is to finally have some understanding, and know i'm not alone. Thank you for putting it out there (even though it's really uncomfortable!). Can't wait to get the book.
Thank you so much Aidan. This means more than you likely know 💚
This is something I wrestle with constantly. I also hate being "perceived" as you call it but feel it's a necessary evil and certainly something you don't get to choose when you write publicly. I've also written about a cringeworthy tv appearance... But I think the good media does outweighs our personal discomfort. At least that's what I tell myself!
Also glad to hear you raise the point about autistic and autism moms. I bristle over that divide because how many of us are just "autistic" moms waiting to be diagnosed? I know I was, for many years, and always, always had my child's best interest at heart even if I was sometimes misguided. I know it sounds idealistic, but I really wish the community as a whole could come together for the betterment of every autistic person.
I completely understand picking apart an interview, a presentation, etc - that's a space I live in with frequency. It's tough to plan things out precisely, execute, and then go back to the tape and identify all the things you wish you'd done a little differently. While acknowledging that experience - I can say that from the audience - that was a fantastic segment, and a really powerful conversation and message to get to share with a broad audience. I'm so happy to hear there was next-to-no friction in asking for and receiving accommodations.
'Being perceived' is such a minefield - I spent my formative years in theatre and performance because I was good at it and I kept getting encouraged to keep doing it - so I ended up with a lot of experience, some success, and a bunch of masking and dissociation in my toolkit. It's been a weird reckoning I've been doing in the last few years to figure out my relationship to a huge part of my life - for a while, a huge part of my identity - that I know I'm good at, parts of which I enjoyed, but which also feels foreign and somewhat incongruous with the self I'm currently realizing. It does, retroactively, make TONNES of sense that I could get up on a stage with lights in my face and Do The Thing, but would be absolutely mortified when asked to spontaneously sing/play in a small group of people.
One of the things that's on my mind a lot as I continue on my journey of discovery and diagnoses - as I'm finally deciphering the pages of my operating manual - I want to be gentle and give myself grace. I want to accommodate myself - but I don't want to just make excuses, nor do I want to stop challenging myself (I'm autistic, so I can't, end of story). Determining which discomforts are, ultimately, net harmful, versus uncomfortable experiences which constitute 'productive struggle' - that's the crux of the thing, hey?
I understand not wanting to be perceived, yet as you stated, it's in perceiving where people can see themselves. That goes along with what you said in the interview, that learning about the internal experiences of girls and women helped you. It made me emotional, as that was my experience last year. Many of us don't know what it looks like or means to be an autistic woman (or a person socialized as a woman). The more we hear from the experiences of others, the more we can find ourselves. Thank you for sharing. Aside from the personal connection, her questions were rapid-fire after your responses, and you didn't miss a beat. It was a great interview.
YES! I have always struggled with being perceived, especially where I felt a major lack of control over it. I'm still working out where it feels good for me to push through that discomfort and what is too much.